Vaporized!

Mad Scott 4
Originally uploaded by write2reid.

Poor Sawyer has been struggling to breathe through his schnoz for five days now and has been coughing up a healthy amount of phlegm (we are keeping a close eye on that). Doc ixnayed cough syrup and decongestants, so we are spraying gallons of saline water up his nose and then suctioning it right back out. I’m not quite sure what the point is, but it comes highly recommended. The suctioning is my job because Scott doesn’t want little dude to harbor any bad feelings against him. I, after all, have the coveted boobs, so it’s hard for any man in my family to hold a grudge against me for long.
For his part, Scott is carrying out the other half of Doc’s instructions.
It is his job to keep the baby adequately vaporized at all times. This job makes him happy because, well, he is a man and there is a machine involved. He is also a chef gourmet, and so he has concocted his own recipe to keep warm eucalyptus-scented steam pouring out of our $14 vaporizer all night long. Walking into Sawyer’s room in the middle of the night is like stepping into an Australian rainforest (if there ever was such a thing).
Scott discovered that Salt is the key to creating steam. No idea why. But, add too much salt and the entire vaporizer shakes and gurgles like a volcano about to erupt. The water supply drains too quickly. Too little salt means no eucalyptus rainforest action. The right proportions of VaporSteam solution is also important unless you want the rooms down the hall smelling like camphor.

Scott’s Vaporizing Potion:
Dilute two generous pinches of kosher salt into a small amount of hot water in the bottom of a pitcher. (This, he notes, beats stirring a full pitcher of water.) It is very important not to exceed one teaspoon of table salt, he said.
Add two glugs of VaporSteam, Do not exceed one tablespoon unless you want to vaporize the neighbors as well.
Top off pitcher with warm water and fill vapor machine. Please note that it is easier to use a pitcher to refill the machine than to carry a bucket of sloshing water across the house.
One more important point: If the paint starts to peel off the ceiling above the vaporizer, you may be creating TOO MUCH steam.


How to suck out your baby's snot but not his brains:
Place right foot on baby’s right arm. Pin down and hold.
Repeat action with left foot and left arm.
Position rest of body out of kicking range.
Use one hand to lock head in forward-facing position.
Maneuvering carefully to avoid poking out eyes or giving lobotomy, proceed to suction nostril.
Eject withdrawn snot onto tissue with satisfaction.
Repeat with each nostril until the slurping sound fades.
Immediately attach screaming baby to boob.